Lucky for me, friends and family around me quickly identified that something was wrong and I quickly sought professional help for it. I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. Me? Anxiety and ADHD? In my late thirties? Why don’t I have the same luck when it came to the annual HongBao Toto? How is this affliction even possible for someone like me? Why me?
To preserve my mental sanctity, I quit my job and decided to take a break after a short 6 months on the job. I travelled and planned to use the time to reflect on what I wanted in life and to apply for a job after Chinese New Year 2020 when the job market traditionally picks up. In the meantime, I read all I could about ADHD and anxiety with a ferocious appetite to learn more about this unknown enemy and found that mindfulness had been scientifically proven to be beneficial for these conditions. My timing is perfect. COVID 19 decided to put a dent to my job hunting and travelling plans and I thought mindfulness would be a good distraction for someone in my situation. The irony of it makes me chuckle.
I found the 6 foundational attitudes helpful in job hunting in a challenging job market. I am grateful that while my cash reserves were definitely not ‘gold mine’ standard, financially I can cope without a job for some time and that my family is supportive of me taking a break; I have accepted that the job market is challenging and that it is not indicative of my professional competency; I focus on what I can do by applying for jobs, preparing for interviews and doing well for them. Life has a funny way of throwing us a curveball. Just as I received a job offer and quickly accepted it, it was rescinded in a matter of 3 working days. I told you I have prefect timing.
The roller coaster of emotions that I experienced really put my resolve in the 6 foundational attitudes to the test. The OLD me would have thought through the millions of things I could have done and said in the interviews to keep the job, when clearly the troubles of the company had nothing to do with me. How I could have taken this action or spoke with that person and diversified my job hunt to avoid being placed in this unenviable position. I would also have endless sleepless nights worrying about the lack of a job, how a gap would look on my resume, how friends and colleagues would judge me professionally.
It would be a lie if I said that I did not mourn the loss of a job offer, but I was surprised at how well I accepted the situation mentally without suffering for a prolonged period. I allowed myself exactly one day to grief the death of my offer and to feel the whole spectrum of emotions of intense sorrow and disappointment before redirecting my focus. As news broke subsequently over the internet on the seriousness of the troubles of the company, the NEW me focused on being grateful that I was not caught in their storm, accepting that the rescinded job offer was not within my control and was of course not an indication of my self-worth and then very quickly focus on applying more jobs and preparing for yet more interviews.
I wish I could tell you that mindfulness was a magical cure-all and that it had given me a wonderful makeover and made me such an attractive candidate that I was offered a job shortly. Alas, the harsh reality is that I still experience faux pas at interviews and wish that I had expressed my short stint in the last job better or in a different way or more diplomatically. As I embarked on this journey of mindfulness and self-discovery, I am pleasantly surprised at the mental resilience I have developed in a short span of 2 months. From a serial ruminator, I have become more aware of my runaway train of thoughts. Equipped with mindfulness tools, I have learnt to break free from the shackles of negativity. Being kinder to myself, I now laugh at the strange and awkward things I have said in interviews in my attempt at small talk with the interviewer and recognised that my skillset is very specialised and I am fairly valuable in a normal market. If companies are able to see my value they will want to hire me in spite of my social awkwardness and even if they don’t, the world is out there for me to explore and someone will eventually recognise my value even if it is going to take a much longer time in these strange times that we live in. For the myriad of reasons that I don’t get the job, be it budget, headcount freeze, a better candidate out there, better cultural fit etc, things that are beyond my control, it should not determine my competency, self-worth or identity.
It is inevitable for everyone to experience a challenging situation at some point in their lives and it doesn’t make you weak to admit that you need help and to seek it when you feel you cannot cope. You may think that mindfulness is such a hard skill to learn but the secret is that if you have a warm body with a heartbeat and are able to breathe, you can pick it up. This skill is free (cos SkillsFuture Credits yo) and should be accessible to everyone and I am grateful that there are instructors from Brahm Centre who believe in it so strongly.
Well the job hunt continues…. Perhaps I will share the effectiveness of mindfulness from an ADHD person’s perspective and how loving-kindness meditation continues to elude me in a follow up post.
Yours Truly,
~Perfect Timing~
